The Modern Day Caveman

The Tulip and the Rose

April 7, 2026

In a garden grew a tulip and a rose.

They began as seeds in the same soil, and over time they grew together – their roots intertwining deep beneath the earth. Through winter and summer, they continued to blossom. The garden was theirs, and their small patch of it was beautiful.

The tulip, filled with expression and brightness, stood open to the world.

The rose, filled with beauty and passion, carried a quieter kind of strength.

They were different in all the right ways, each inspiring the other to grow.

But one day, a shadow began to form. It stretched across the garden, slowly blocking the sunlight from the tulip. As it deepened, the tulip began to wilt. His colours faded, and the brightness he once carried started to disappear.

The rose dug her roots in tighter. She tried to shield him; she even tried to give him her own sunlight – and he loved her, even as the light within him continued to fade. But the shadow grew too heavy, and eventually, she knew she had to leave the garden.

It was only then, in the silence of her absence, that the tulip finally looked up. The shadow hadn’t disappeared – there had always been room for the sunlight. He just needed to see it, right there beside his rose.

By Charlie Brown

(The Modern Day Caveman)
Light in the Darkness

April 1, 2026

Albus Dumbledore famously once said, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

I’ve heard that line countless times watching Harry Potter, but it always seemed to pass straight through me.

Now, it feels more relevant than ever.

I saw a comment on Reddit recently that summed this quote up perfectly:

“No matter how bad the situation you find yourself in, there will always be something that you can do about it. But you need to stop, take a moment, and start looking for that light switch.”

Time will always pass, regardless of what’s happening.

Whilst I am still fumbling around in the dark looking for that light switch, there has been some light in the darkness over the past few days.

I’ve visited the doctors to talk through my mental health and explore what support is available.

I’ve self-referred to a men’s mental health charity, Mentell.

I’ve started letting go of material possessions that had become a huge weight on my shoulders. Yesterday, I sold over £6,500 worth of trading cards – something I never thought I’d do, but it felt like the right step.

I’ve done some deep reflection on the past and the pain I’ve caused myself and others.

There’s no guide to life. There’s no manual telling you what to do when things fall apart or how to put them back together again.

All you can really do is take it one step at a time. Look for the small wins. The small bits of light. And trust that, eventually, they’ll start to add up.

£6,700 worth of trading cards gone – not about the money, about moving forward.
The Hardest Lesson I’ve Ever Had to Learn

March 30, 2026

A year ago today, I set off on a 3 month European road trip with my partner and our border collie, in a last ditch attempt to try and tackle my mental health which had been sadly declining over the previous few years.

Despite having genuinely the greatest time and creating memories that will stay with me for a lifetime, my depression didn’t waver. Coming home was even harder, being faced with reality and a mountain of debt I’d accumulated over a series of stupid mistakes.

Unfortunately, this depression continued to spiral and I entered a pattern of self-destruction, getting myself in to more debt and hurting loved ones. My partner and I went on a break and I spent a little time working on myself. I genuinely felt in a better place and my partner could see a glimmer of hope in me and gave me another, final chance.

In the months that followed, life sort of got in the way. A fractured ankle and a falling out in the family derailed my positive progress, but in truth, I just wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with these situations. As you may have guessed, I slipped back into old habits and 3 months later found myself in a self-destructive pattern of spending more money I didn’t have and sabotaging my relationships, most noticeably my relationship with my partner.

After 13 long, amazing years together, filled with love, laughter and dreams, I decided at the beginning of March that I was going to leave her. I honestly did not ever want to leave her, this was just a way of me masking what was really going on inside – I wanted to end my own life. I had spiralled to a point where I didn’t want to carry on living. I tried to push her away to push myself to self-destruct one last, fatal time.

Being the beautiful soul that she is, she showed me love and compassion, despite me hurting her for the umpteenth time. We hugged. We cried. I went for a walk and came back with the burden off my shoulders. In the weeks that followed we carried on living together, distant yet still talking away as best friends.

Sadly however, that spiral at the beginning of March was understandably breaking point for our relationship. She sat me down and said that it was time we close the chapter on the last 13 years. And with that, we packed up my things and headed to my parents house where we parted ways.

The pain of heartache is absolutely like nothing I have ever felt before. It feels like my chest has been ripped wide open and every ounce of me aches knowing this pain is self-inflicted. I pushed away the most loving, compassionate person I have ever met, the person who gave me countless opportunities, the person who I fell head over heels for back in November 2012.

The pain of my depression and anxiety, the pain of my fractured ankle, the pain of losing family members doesn’t even compare to the pain running through me right now.

I hold no anger or resentment towards her or the decision to close our chapter together. I know I had pushed her away. I know I hurt her in ways that she didn’t ever deserve. Above all, I want her to be happy and despite my heart telling me otherwise, she is better off without this version of me in her life right now. In fact it’s a testament to our bond and relationship, we spent the 2 hour journey back to my parents house cracking jokes to ease the tension. It was hauntingly beautiful in a way!

In the days that have followed since we’ve parted ways, something quite strange has happened. Through all the pain, self-hatred and tears, I feel like something has shifted.

I don’t know if “epiphany” is the right word, and maybe it’s just the emotion of everything still being so raw, but there’s a sense of clarity I haven’t felt before.

For 29 years, I’ve felt lost. Constantly chasing something, without ever really knowing what that something was. I convinced myself that a better job, more money, or some version of “success” would eventually fix how I felt.

But it never did.

I think I spent so long focusing on an end destination that I completely overlooked the life that was happening around me. The people, the moments, the things that actually mattered.

It’s like I’ve been looking at everything through a darker lens for years, and only now I’m starting to see things a little more clearly. And in doing so, I’ve realised just how much I’ve taken for granted.

Maybe this feeling will pass. Maybe it’s just part of the emotion of everything that’s happened. But right now, it feels different enough that I don’t want to ignore it.

Earlier today, I went for a walk and, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel weighed down by everything. There was a strange sense of calm, almost like I could finally see things for what they are.

It made me realise that life isn’t about chasing titles, money, or trying to impress people. It’s about the journey, the memories you create, and the people you share it with.

I wish more than anything I could change the past and be not only the person she deserved, but also the person I know I am deep down. We can’t change the past, but we can strive to do better in the future.

It’s early days, but I have a much clearer understanding of the kind of man I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I want to be honest with myself and with others and strive to do better and be better. I want a future. I want to live.

If I can give you one piece of advice dear reader, it’s this:

Pay attention to the life you’re already living.

The people around you, the moments you take for granted, the things you assume will always be there.

Because one day, they might not be.

I’ve learned that the hard way.

Now I just have to make sure it wasn’t for nothing.
2025, the Toughest Year of My Life

December 31, 2025

It’s been a while since my last post on The Modern Day Caveman, and there are a few reasons for that.

As you may remember, I moved to York to live with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, that only lasted around two weeks. While visiting my parents back in Chester for a few days, I went out for a run, took a nasty fall, and ended up fracturing my ankle. I’ve spent the last four weeks in a boot, which has been a nightmare, and I’ve ended up back at my parents’ house over the Christmas period.

Squeamish warning: photo of my extremely swollen ankle below!

My rather swollen ankle moments after falling over on my run! My own fault for running in the dark!

I’ve also not blogged for a while because, quite simply, life got in the way. A pretty rubbish excuse, I know. Work became incredibly busy, which in some ways was a blessing as it kept me occupied while I was sofa-bound with my ankle. But at the same time, I lost my way a little. My progress stalled. Days became repetitive, and the structure I’d worked hard to build slowly slipped away.

The honeymoon period of motivation definitely wore off. But as I look ahead to 2026, I feel a real pull to get back into a routine and properly push myself again, in every area of my life. Before I do that, though, I want to properly offload and look back on what has, without question, been the toughest year of my life.

I went into 2025 in a pretty poor mental state. I was at the height of my compulsive buying disorder (CBD). In just over three weeks, between December 2024 and early January 2025, I managed to spend more than £12,000 across various credit cards. It was reckless, unsustainable, and driven entirely by anxiety and avoidance.

Not long after, I hit a bit of a reset. My girlfriend and I went to Disneyland Paris, where I had some very honest conversations with her, as well as with family and friends. From that point, the CBD stopped. We began planning a big trip for April, with the idea of travelling across Europe together.

In the lead-up to that trip, work became increasingly difficult. I dealt with a whole host of issues with my employer, and things eventually ended on fairly sour terms. That period took a serious toll on my mental health and left me feeling even more stressed.

When April arrived, my girlfriend, our Border Collie, and I set off across Europe in a campervan. In truth, the first month was incredibly stressful. We tried to launch a YouTube channel to document the journey and generate some income, but it only added pressure to something that was meant to be freeing.

By May, we scrapped the YouTube idea and changed our route. That decision was absolutely the right one. For a few weeks, I finally felt calmer and more present. I was able to slow down and actually enjoy where we were.

At the Leaning Tower of Pisa with our Border Collie, Chase!

Unfortunately, that peace didn’t last. As June approached and we started thinking about returning to the UK, my anxiety crept back in. I slipped into my CBD again, racking up more debt as I worried about coming home and facing reality. During that time, I was also applying for jobs, which made it hard to fully enjoy travelling, and to make things worse, we lost a family member while we were away.

Back in the UK, I started a new job that I’d secured while travelling. However, my spending was still not under control, and it quickly became clear that the role wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. By August, I made the decision to leave without another job lined up. Not the wisest move, but one I felt I had to make.

September arrived, and I took on three different part-time and temporary roles to keep things ticking over until October, when I eventually started my current job. October and November were intense. Work kept me busy, and my girlfriend and I took some space from each other after everything we’d been through. It was difficult, but probably necessary.

By November, I felt more focused again. Work gave me structure, my CBD was under control, and my mindset was improving. I moved back up to York to live with my girlfriend, but, as mentioned earlier, that only lasted two weeks before my ankle injury sent me back home once again.

December has honestly passed in a blur. I’ve spent most of it either on the sofa or confined to my bedroom, and it’s hard to believe that 2026 is already around the corner.

All in all, it’s been a tough year mentally for me and looking back, it’s easy to understand why I felt the way I did at certain times. Despite all the challenges, I do have some really great memories from 2025 – the trips, moments with loved ones, and even small wins along the way. Not everything was bad, and I want to carry those positives with me into 2026.

I turn 30 in 2026, and it feels like a marker moment. Not because I’m scared of the number, but because I don’t want another year to pass without direction. I’m craving structure, consistency, and accountability, and a willingness to face things instead of avoiding them.

2025 took a lot from me, but it also showed me exactly where things go wrong when I stop looking after myself.

So this is me drawing a line under it.

Goodbye, 2025. And genuinely – good riddance.
Day 32: Exploring New Ground

November 23, 2025

After what had been a bit of a blur of a week, the weekend finally arrived – and honestly, it felt much needed.

My girlfriend was working today, so I decided to have a bit of boy time with our Border Collie, Chase.
Boy time basically meant heading out on a 19km walk together before coming back, warming up, and getting cosy while I did a bit of work and watched some football.

The temperature is still freezing, so I definitely appreciated working up a sweat on the walk.

It was also nice exploring the new area. For so long at my parents’, I’d been on autopilot, doing the same walks and runs I knew like the back of my hand. Having new surroundings made the walk feel fresh.

I’m still struggling to get fully back into the positive frame of mind I was in a few weeks ago, though. This week has made it clear how much I rely on having structure and continuity in my routine.

Metrics

• Steps: 25,850
• Garmin Stress Score: 26
• Mental Health Rating: 7/10
• Remaining Debt: £39,781.83

Food Log

• Breakfast: Toast
• Lunch: Beans & plant-based sausage on toast
• Dinner: Plant-based chicken fajitas, nachos
• Snacks: Banana, roasted corn, dried mango, popcorn, chocolate

A long walk, some fresh air, and a bit of normality was exactly what I needed. Hopefully I can use the weekend to reset and find my rhythm again.
Day 27-31: Settling In

November 22, 2025

This week got away from me. Between settling into my new routine, adjusting to living in York, and trying to find some structure again, the days pretty much blurred into each other. I didn’t manage the usual day-by-day notes, and it’s thrown me out of rhythm a bit.

I’ve struggled to build a routine here. Back home, I’d exercise after work, come home, and then journal. The problem here is not knowing any routes yet. It gets so dark so early that it’s hard to figure out where to walk or run.

I’ve still done some exercise, just not as much as I’d like. On Wednesday (Day 29), though, I actually ran my fastest 5km ever – 28:29. I’ve only dipped under 30 minutes once before, earlier this year. The area is really flat with barely any elevation, but still, it felt like a great achievement.

A new 5km personal best!

Work has been a bit of a drag this week. A few sales things haven’t gone my way, and it’s all felt quite slow. I’m eager for things to pick up so I can start making a real dent in my debt again.

One thing I am enjoying is living with my girlfriend again. The simple stuff has been really nice – cooking together in the evenings, taking turns making meals. Last night I made an orzo and plant-based chorizo bake while she made garlic bread. We watched Carry-On on Netflix, a first Christmas film of the year (maybe too early in my opinion!), but it reminded me of all the small things we used to love when we had our first place.

Unfortunately, living together hasn’t been completely smooth, and it’s not down to either of us. The cottage we’re in is very old and the insulation is… non-existent. We’ve been freezing most nights, and there are some pretty bad mould and damp issues. My girlfriend reported it to the letting agents, and the guy they sent out said he’d never seen anything like it, which wasn’t exactly reassuring.

Freezing temperatures haven’t helped keep us any warmer this week!

Now we’re unsure what will happen next. Will we have to move out? Will it be classed as uninhabitable? Just as I was starting to settle into this new chapter, there’s a chance I might end up moving back home.

This week has left me feeling a bit torn. Part of me is excited to be here and to be rebuilding something positive, but another part feels unsettled by all the uncertainty. I’m trying to remind myself that change rarely feels tidy, and even when things look messy, it doesn’t mean they’re going wrong. For now, all I can do is take each day as it comes and trust that the pieces will fall into place.
Day 26: New Surroundings

November 17, 2025

After a pretty eventful moving day yesterday, Day 26 was all about settling into my new surroundings and trying to get a feel for what life here will look like.

I started the morning by picking up breakfast from a nearby Starbucks – a small luxury of living closer to a city compared to my parents’ place. Even though we’re still technically in the countryside, the drive back reminded me of that… mainly because I saw a deer casually standing by the road.

After breakfast, we went for a long walk to explore the area. It’s very open countryside here – no street lighting anywhere, huge fields, and quiet lanes that seem to stretch endlessly. I definitely need to figure out what my new version of ‘The Mountain Ahead’ will be. Nothing will beat the original, but I’m hoping to find something that gives me that same sense of routine and motivation.

We headed out for a food shop afterwards to stock up for the week. It actually felt nice planning dinners and getting everything sorted in advance. I’ve definitely relied on my mum looking after me these past few months, and it hit me today just how grateful I am for that support.

The afternoon was spent unpacking the mountain of bags and boxes I brought with me and getting myself prepared for the week ahead. I set up my desk in the spare bedroom and tried to make the space feel as comfortable as possible. Time will tell how productive I’ll be in this new environment, but I’m hoping the fresh start works in my favour.

My new home office set up!

Metrics

• Steps: 14,576
• Garmin Stress Score: 28
• Mental Health Rating: 7/10
• Remaining Debt: £39,781.83

Food Log

• Breakfast: Starbucks Beyond meat breakfast sandwich
• Lunch: Chickpea soup, crackers, houmous, plant-based sausage roll
• Dinner: Homemade pizza
• Snacks: Chocolate mousse

At the moment, it feels like I’m not making much progress – but I need to remember this journey is a marathon, not a sprint.
Day 25: A New Chapter

November 16, 2025

Day 25 marked a new chapter in my life, as I packed up and moved to York to begin this next stage with my girlfriend.

I started the day with one final walk up ‘The Mountain Ahead’. I wanted it to feel meaningful, a bit of a full-circle moment before leaving home, but it ended up being incredibly busy. That’s one thing I dislike about the weekends there. People seem to forget basic manners the moment the car park fills up, and it was almost impossible to get even a half-decent photo. Not the peaceful goodbye I had pictured, but still a reminder of how much that place has meant to me these past few weeks.

The rest of the day was spent packing up my things, which was far more difficult than I expected. Trying to decide what to take and what to leave behind felt like a strange balancing act. I don’t want to clutter my girlfriend’s house with too much of my stuff, but at the same time I needed to bring some of the things I plan to sell. It all felt a little overwhelming at times, especially knowing that every choice symbolised another step away from home.

In the late afternoon, we finally set off from Cheshire to Yorkshire. The traffic wasn’t too bad and the drive was relatively smooth, but after such a long day emotionally and physically, arriving at 9pm left me feeling drained.

We decided to grab a Chinese from a nearby takeaway. At first, everything tasted great. The salt and pepper tofu was crisp and spicy, and the spring rolls were perfect. Then I spotted something in my rice that looked suspiciously like a shrimp. I wasn’t completely certain what it was, but it definitely wasn’t something that should have been there. As a vegetarian, that immediately turned my stomach and ruined the rest of the meal, which was disappointing because it had been good up until that point.

By the time I got into bed, I felt sad, tired and emotionally heavy. Leaving my parents hit harder than I expected. No surprise my stress score was high today.

Metrics

• Steps: 13,871
• Garmin Stress Score: 42
• Mental Health Rating: 5/10
• Remaining Debt: £39,781.83

Food Log

• Breakfast: Weetabix, milk
• Lunch: Supernoodles, crisps
• Dinner: Takeaway chinese
• Snacks: Mini pizza, chocolate mousse

Hard day, big step, new beginning.

The view of ‘The Mountain Ahead‘ on Day 25. Far too crowded for my liking!
Day 24: Where the Journey Started

November 15, 2025

Day 24 marked my final full day at my parents’ before heading to York tomorrow to start this new chapter with my girlfriend. It felt strange waking up knowing it was the last morning here for a while. For the past month, this house has been my safe place – a reset button I probably didn’t realise I needed.

I didn’t go to ‘The Mountain Ahead’ today.

The first time in 24 days.

Part of me felt guilty for breaking the streak, but honestly, I think I needed the pause. Instead, my parents and I went to the brewery – something we’ve done a lot recently – and knowing it would be the last time for a little while made it feel that bit more meaningful. We chatted, laughed, and reflected on the past few weeks.

When we got back home, we ended up watching old family videos from the late nineties. Seeing myself as a toddler, seeing my parents so young, watching moments we’d all forgotten… it hit me harder than I expected. It’s crazy how fast life moves, and how those tiny memories end up meaning so much years later. It felt like the perfect way to spend my last evening here.

Even though I’m disappointed in myself for missing ‘The Mountain Ahead’, I don’t regret choosing family time. These few weeks have brought me closer to my parents than I’ve been in years, and I’m genuinely grateful for that. Tomorrow is a big day, and ending today with them felt like the right way to prepare for it.

Metrics

• Steps: 6,064
• Garmin Stress Score: 29
• Mental Health Rating: 7/10
• Remaining Debt: £39,781.83

Food Log

• Breakfast: Weetabix, milk
• Lunch: Scrambled eggs, toast
• Dinner: Halloumi fajitas, nachos
• Snacks: Chocolate, banana, crisps

Tomorrow brings change, but today reminded me exactly where I come from – and why that matters.
Day 23: Matters of the Heart

November 14, 2025

What should have been a fairly low-key Thursday after a few busy days ended up being a rather eventful one.

The morning started with my dad taking Mollie (my parents’ Border Collie) out for their usual walk. I was on an early work Teams call when I was disturbed by raised voices and the mention of “hospital” from my parents.

Long story short, it turns out my dad was having some chest pains and ended up going to the doctors, before then heading on to the hospital.

Thankfully, all was fine (thank god!) and he returned home with my mum later that day. He’s been referred to a specialist for further tests, but hopefully it’s nothing too serious.

So, my morning was a little more stressful than I expected, but the rest of the day was fairly smooth – work was productive and I got a few things on my to-do list done.

That was until I went on my walk to “The Mountain Ahead.” I’ve not mentioned this previously, but a few weeks ago Mollie was diagnosed with a heart murmur.

She’s doing well for an 11-year-old (77 in dog years) and has thankfully been absolutely fine lately – her usual playful and mischievous self these past few weeks.

However, on our descent from the summit, she started walking extremely slowly and looked laboured, as if she’d hurt her paw or was feeling some discomfort. She began waddling as I walked, and I had to coax her along rather than the other way round like usual.

I knew something was wrong, so I called my mum to come and pick us up, just to be certain given her recent diagnosis.

We got home and thankfully she seemed okay. She definitely wasn’t herself, but things didn’t seem too serious.

This moment of self-pity was extremely short-lived though, because about 10 minutes after being home she had the zoomies and was sprinting around the house – actually knocking my laptop off the table and nearly smashing it.

Honestly, I think I’ll miss her more than anyone when I move to York. She’s been my best friend these past few weeks and I’ve loved having her by my side. Of course I’m looking forward to seeing my own dog, Chase, but it can’t be understated how much a part of the family – and my life – she really is.

Metrics

• Steps: 7,772
• Garmin Stress Score: 19
• Mental Health Rating: 7/10
• Remaining Debt: £39,781.83

Food Log

• Breakfast: Weetabix, milk
• Lunch: Poached eggs, toast
• Dinner: Poke bowl (Quorn, sweetcorn, rice, avocado, edamame, pepper, butternut squash)
• Snacks: Banana, Kitkat, sweets, ice cream

Today was draining in ways I didn’t see coming, but it also left me feeling grateful. Relief, perspective, and a reminder that the people (and pets) we love can ground us more than anything else.

The view from ‘The Mountain Ahead‘ on Day 23.