The Modern Day Caveman

A year ago today, I set off on a 3 month European road trip with my partner and our border collie, in a last ditch attempt to try and tackle my mental health which had been sadly declining over the previous few years.

Despite having genuinely the greatest time and creating memories that will stay with me for a lifetime, my depression didn’t waver. Coming home was even harder, being faced with reality and a mountain of debt I’d accumulated over a series of stupid mistakes.

Unfortunately, this depression continued to spiral and I entered a pattern of self-destruction, getting myself in to more debt and hurting loved ones. My partner and I went on a break and I spent a little time working on myself. I genuinely felt in a better place and my partner could see a glimmer of hope in me and gave me another, final chance.

In the months that followed, life sort of got in the way. A fractured ankle and a falling out in the family derailed my positive progress, but in truth, I just wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with these situations. As you may have guessed, I slipped back into old habits and 3 months later found myself in a self-destructive pattern of spending more money I didn’t have and sabotaging my relationships, most noticeably my relationship with my partner.

After 13 long, amazing years together, filled with love, laughter and dreams, I decided at the beginning of March that I was going to leave her. I honestly did not ever want to leave her, this was just a way of me masking what was really going on inside – I wanted to end my own life. I had spiralled to a point where I didn’t want to carry on living. I tried to push her away to push myself to self-destruct one last, fatal time.

Being the beautiful soul that she is, she showed me love and compassion, despite me hurting her for the umpteenth time. We hugged. We cried. I went for a walk and came back with the burden off my shoulders. In the weeks that followed we carried on living together, distant yet still talking away as best friends.

Sadly however, that spiral at the beginning of March was understandably breaking point for our relationship. She sat me down and said that it was time we close the chapter on the last 13 years. And with that, we packed up my things and headed to my parents house where we parted ways.

The pain of heartache is absolutely like nothing I have ever felt before. It feels like my chest has been ripped wide open and every ounce of me aches knowing this pain is self-inflicted. I pushed away the most loving, compassionate person I have ever met, the person who gave me countless opportunities, the person who I fell head over heels for back in November 2012.

The pain of my depression and anxiety, the pain of my fractured ankle, the pain of losing family members doesn’t even compare to the pain running through me right now.

I hold no anger or resentment towards her or the decision to close our chapter together. I know I had pushed her away. I know I hurt her in ways that she didn’t ever deserve. Above all, I want her to be happy and despite my heart telling me otherwise, she is better off without this version of me in her life right now. In fact it’s a testament to our bond and relationship, we spent the 2 hour journey back to my parents house cracking jokes to ease the tension. It was hauntingly beautiful in a way!

In the days that have followed since we’ve parted ways, something quite strange has happened. Through all the pain, self-hatred and tears, I feel like something has shifted.

I don’t know if “epiphany” is the right word, and maybe it’s just the emotion of everything still being so raw, but there’s a sense of clarity I haven’t felt before.

For 29 years, I’ve felt lost. Constantly chasing something, without ever really knowing what that something was. I convinced myself that a better job, more money, or some version of “success” would eventually fix how I felt.

But it never did.

I think I spent so long focusing on an end destination that I completely overlooked the life that was happening around me. The people, the moments, the things that actually mattered.

It’s like I’ve been looking at everything through a darker lens for years, and only now I’m starting to see things a little more clearly. And in doing so, I’ve realised just how much I’ve taken for granted.

Maybe this feeling will pass. Maybe it’s just part of the emotion of everything that’s happened. But right now, it feels different enough that I don’t want to ignore it.

Earlier today, I went for a walk and, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel weighed down by everything. There was a strange sense of calm, almost like I could finally see things for what they are.

It made me realise that life isn’t about chasing titles, money, or trying to impress people. It’s about the journey, the memories you create, and the people you share it with.

I wish more than anything I could change the past and be not only the person she deserved, but also the person I know I am deep down. We can’t change the past, but we can strive to do better in the future.

It’s early days, but I have a much clearer understanding of the kind of man I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I want to be honest with myself and with others and strive to do better and be better. I want a future. I want to live.

If I can give you one piece of advice dear reader, it’s this:

Pay attention to the life you’re already living.

The people around you, the moments you take for granted, the things you assume will always be there.

Because one day, they might not be.

I’ve learned that the hard way.

Now I just have to make sure it wasn’t for nothing.